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Astro Limericks, anyone?

ollypenrice

By ollypenrice
in The Astro Lounge

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Ptarmigan

Ptarmigan

Posted
Posted

There was a young lady named Bright,

who desired to see more in the night.

She set off one day

to FLO by the way,

and returned with a purse very light.

or

There was a young lady named Bright,

who desired to see more in the night.

She set off one day

in a relative way,

and returned with a purse exceeding light.

Good thread Olly :icon_salut:

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661-pete

661-pete

Posted
Posted

Not very good, but I'll bet no-one's dared try this rhyme yet!

I met a cool imager last month,

Who'd bagged a great M101 ... th-

-ough his pixels were hot,

He'd stacked up the lot,

And his APOD was the millionth...

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Bart

Bart

Posted
Posted
Mercury, Venus and Mars,

Jupiter, Saturn and Stars.

Uranus, Neptune,

The moon seen at noon,

Are sights that we see from afar.

I REALLY tried to rhyme uranus with orifice but couldn't get it to work

Ha

I was going to start one

There was a young man from Uranus.. But thought better of it

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JamesF

JamesF

Posted
Posted

Oh, well, if we must...

There was an astronomer from Beer

Whose neighbours thought him rather queer

As one night he was out

He jumped up with a shout

I can see and you can finish it off yourself...

James

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Tim

Tim

Posted
Posted

Here's one I wrote after my first Star Party at Kelling Heath.

My First Time…..

So I’m back from my first Star Camp,

The weather was cloudy and damp,

But most of the mob,

Had some fun with a Dob.,

Whilst I played around with a lamp.

It’s because I was eager to please,

Those out there starting to freeze,

That I turned my light red,

(The one over the bed),

Didn’t think it would be such a tease.

Like moths to a candle they came,

The wife said they all looked the same,

Old, grey or balding,

She gave them a scolding,

For thinking that she’s on the “game”!

So after the misunderstanding,

The weather was proving demanding,

Some tents blew away,

If it’s right what they say,

It’s down Norwich way that they were landing.

And although it’s in April you go,

You are sometimes pelted with snow,

Or sleet, hail and ice,

Which isn’t so nice

But you just go along with the flow.

I stayed up a whole night till the morning,

And was treated to Jupiter dawning,

But I aint at my best,

On a night without rest,

And ended up grunting and yawning.

On the whole it wasn’t so bad,

Though the locals thought we were mad,

And those that stayed longer,

Though winds had grown stronger,

Enjoyed the best skies to be had.

And I liked my time there at Kelling,

And the stands and stuff they were selling,

So I got some new kit,

Which cost quite a bit,

But how much I spent I aint telling!

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Tim

Tim

Posted
Posted

And not a limerick, here's my Ode to Dark Skies....

Ode to Dark Skies….

I have a little tale to tell, a story for our time,

Another funny episode in life’s great pantomime.

Could you spare me just a minute, and permit me to explain,

Why the lights are out all over town, and I’m in jail again?

You see, I was formerly a violent man, and given to bad temper,

I’d pick a fight all year long, from Jan’ry to December.

The Doctors said, “It’s time for you to choose a peaceful lifestyle,

“Find a hobby to relax, swap that frowning for a nice smile!”

And what could be more peaceful, more refreshing to the soul,

Than the hobby of Astronomy, with distant stars the goal?

The Doctors thought that suited well, and encouraged all the more,

They even bought a telescope, delivered to my door.

I confess I mustered quite a smile, with the thought of all those stars,

I’d find my peace and solace in Saturn, the Moon, and Mars.

With all my angst forgotten, there was keen anticipation,

As I waited for the clouds to clear and bring me liberation.

Eventually the night arrived, and the telescope was mounted,

From what I’d heard, Orion’s Sword should leave me quite dumbfounded.

But it didn’t quite have that effect, and gave no satisfaction,

You see the bathroom light was on, and proving a distraction.

And every time my eyes came close to being dark adjusted,

The lousy light came on again, blinding. ‘Til I sussed it.

My wife was now in darkness, with no power at her sockets,

And I was outside grinning with the fuses in my pockets!

But not for long my victory, for worse was on its way,

The neighbour has a safety light that shines as bright as day.

And every time some rotten cat would set off its detectors,

The million watts blazed out again, and wrecked my dark receptors.

I have sympathy for my neighbour, and I know he’s eighty-three,

But my pellet gun took out his bulb, and set the darkness free.

It’s probably coincidence that he should fall and trip,

And be taken off to hospital to nurse a broken hip.

So back unto the eyepiece, and behold a glorious sight!

And then the streetlamps buzzed to life, bleaching out the night.

I had a .22 rifle, and the streetlights drove me barmy,

So I shot them from 100 yards, (had my training in the army.)

Surely now the skies would be, really dark and unmolested,

And I would see the heavens, black and star infested.

But then on each horizon, yes that’s East, South, North and West,

Light pollution from the Cities proved to be a pest.

When I said I was a violent man, well, please don’t doubt my motives,

But rather blame the Army, they taught me ‘bout explosives!

And a little bit of TNT, I thought might solve my trouble,

What used to be a power plant, is now a pile of rubble.

The Boys in Blue turned up in force, with no interest in my plight,

With their helicopter search lamps beaming through the night.

And If I hadn’t shouted “OI! Turn Off That Bloomin’ Torch!!”

Then I’m sure I could have hidden in the next door neighbours porch.

Now at last, it’s really dark, but there’s an awful sense of dread,

For it’s not the heavens that I see, just the sack upon my head.

And thanks to thumps delivered, and administered in spite,

I do not need a telescope, I’ve been seeing stars all night!

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Tim

Tim

Posted
Posted

And finally, "The Torn Astronomer"

Please guys, remember all of these are strictly, totally and absolutely tongue in cheek. No more complaints please about the "wife's place" etc, it's a joke for Pete's sake :icon_salut:

The Torn Astronomer

A tale I feel I have to tell,

It may well make you weep,

About a problem faced by man,

Whilst others are asleep.

Our man is an “Astronomer”,

Or so he tells his friends,

He likes to gaze up at the stars,

But that’s not where it ends.

For his life is rarely simple,

When a starry night appears.

And an evening at the eyepiece,

Can often end in tears.

So here is the dilemma,

Our Astromoner must face,

He took a wife in marriage,

And she doesn’t know her place.

Imagine this scenario,

Orion’s on the rise,

Pluto’s in acension,

And a comet adds surprise.

The seeing was the best for years,

The sky is crystal clear,

A waning moon quite hidden,

The perfect night is here!

His telescope is duly raised,

Polaris shows the way,

And all that money spent on kit,

Would FINALLY start to pay!

However….

Remember when we said that,

“Lifes’ road’s not always straight”?

Well, although the Heavens beckon him,

A Tigress lies in wait.

Purring from the shadows,

Her eyes survey her prey.

He looks so cold and lonely,

She’ll surely have her way!

The dark arts of seduction,

Which are never known to fail,

Are practised now upon our guy,

A helpless, hapless male.

A flash of a suspender belt,

A generous glimspe of cleavage,

The powers of the woman,

That give her massive leverage.

He does try hard to concentrate,

And slews around to Saturn,

But his fingers start to tremble,

Its the old familiar pattern.

Telescope abandoned now,

The Tigress claims her prize,

And the only stars seen twinkling,

Are the ones found in her eyes.

And so it goes, most every time,

Though you might think it corny,

That when the skies are at their best,

His wife is always horny.

So if it’s telescope or passion,

Cold stars or hot romance,

The enticements of the female form,

Don’t give the stars a chance.

A zillion years of Suns and Moons,

They’re going no place fast.

And my advice is, if you’re torn,

ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS!!!

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Tim

Tim

Posted
Posted

I'm going to give myself an infraction for spamming the forum in a minute, but for now here's an entry into a little competition FLO did a few years back.......

Three Things I wish I’d known before buying my first Telescope.

1. I wish I’d known what else there is apart from stars and planets.

2. I wish I’d known I could see far into the past, and long into our future.

3. I wish I’d known a millionairess with a penchant for the stars.

Allow me to explain;

1.

I wish I’d known what’s up above, and not just loads of stars.

I mean, I’d seen a pic of Saturn and a Hubble shot of Mars,

I’d downloaded NASA’s gallery, yes every gorgeous scene,

But they always were just pictures, and I didn’t know what they mean.

And then by chance I stumbled on a picture by a mate,

And how it changed my point of view, I’m happy to relate;

For here was Mr Ordinary, in a suburb, in his garden,

Just a normal bloke, not special, (for that phrase I beg his pardon!)

But the photos he was taking, they were truly awe-inspiring,

Nebulae and Galaxies, clouds of colour, mesmerising!

So I had a look in his garden shed, and he doesn’t have a Hubble,

But a telescope and camera grab those shots without much trouble.

“If he can do it, then so can I!” I whispered to myself,

So I bought the cheapest telescope from off a toyshops shelf.

Then I focussed in on Saturn, when eventually I found it,

And in that instant, my life changed, there’s no getting around it.

For Saturn’s beauty hits you, like a shot between the eyes,

As suddenly you realise, as a human, your true size.

‘Cus it’s easy to get so wrapped up in all things that concern you,

That you lose the bigger picture ( I suppose at times we all do.)

But I peer into a telescope, I gaze out at deep space,

And in the stars and galaxies, I find my little place.

So I wish I’d known that telescopes could so alter how one sees things,

And to think that all this started with a glimpse of Saturn’s dust rings!!

2.

I wish I’d known how far I could see,

But I’d never been good with numbers,

And any talk of “light years”

Makes my brain begin its slumbers.

But there’s a fuzzy blob in the sky,

You can see it, on clear nights,

But you must be in the country,

And away from City lights.

It has the name “Andromeda”

It’s a beauty to behold,

But the photons that you’re seeing,

Well, they’re getting pretty old.

Now they talk about the TARDIS,

And they talk about time travel,

But it’s easy to go back in time,

No mystery to unravel.

There’s no need for HG Wells,

And no need for Doctor Who,

Just look up through a telescope,

That’s all you need to do!

Go back three million years or so,

You can see how things were then,

But what about the future,

Can we do the same again?

Apparently its possible,

To see a supernova,

A distant star that bites the dust,

It’s solar system over.

And if we see one do we think,

Though it seems a world away,

That that could be our ending,

One some fiery future day.

So I wish I’d known that telescopes,

Can take you forward in time and back,

And you can see far more than you ever thought,

Once you have the knack.

3.

I wish I knew a millionairess,

With eyes of deepest blue,

And if I met this millionairess,

I’ll tell you what I’d do!

I’d whip out SteveL’s pictures,

And I’d use them as a lure,

But don’t think for a minute,

That my motives are not pure.

‘Cus’ money needs investing,

To take its proper place,

And what better to invest in,

Than the wonders out in space!

“For a pound or two, my darling”,

I would whisper in her ear,

“We could take the same great pictures,

“I just need the proper gear.”

At this point in the juncture,

I would turn on all the charm,

And the redhead millionairess,

Would be hanging on my arm.

“If you need a bigger telescope,

“Then please do let me buy it,

“And do you think that one day,

“You might even let me try it?”

And the busty millionairess,

With the never ending purse,

Would become my perfect partner,

(Did I mention, she’s a nurse!)

For I’m sure you must have noticed,

That good scopes come at a cost,

But with a redhead millionairess,

All your money woes are lost.

I’ve given this a lot of thought,

Though you might think me silly,

But I’d ask for an observatory,

(On a mountain top, in Chile.)

Yes, if money was no object,

Then I’d truly have the best,

Just find the millionairess,

And I will do the rest!!!

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