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Jokes

OXO

By OXO
in The Astro Lounge

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Greg

Greg

Posted
Posted

One More Then Off To Work :clouds1:

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

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Greg

Greg

Posted
Posted

Back From Work!! :clouds1:

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You [removed word]! You waltz in here, flop your fat Bottom down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed "It's started!"

Greg

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Greg

Greg

Posted
Posted

A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman. Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui........" then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th......................" "Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy. And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th...........". "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet? "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you make love to me!"

Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman. "Where do you live then boyo?" "C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr.... ." "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh. "E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb." "No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman. "London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh no!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once

in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes forglory, and then, right at the end he suddenly screams out...........

".......D D D D D D D Derry!!"

Greg

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Greg

Greg

Posted
Posted

Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

. 3?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Greg

PS. I got all 6!!!! :clouds1: :clouds1:

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FLO

FLO

Posted
Posted

I liked that last one Greg,

Its amazing how dependent we are on the brains image processing abilities. 

Binoviewers are a good example: Despite light being lost in the prism block and the fact that both eyes see the exact same image ... we still notice more and the image appears 3D. 

Steve :clouds1:

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Greg

Greg

Posted
Posted

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her

name tag that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a

holiday"

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his

name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows

the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny

porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank

manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out

there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral"

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knick-knack, Patty

Whack! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

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GazOC

GazOC

Posted
Posted

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and read a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 cabled the White House :

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

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Greg

Greg

Posted
Posted

This Is Very Good!

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.  At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:  If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1.          For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2.         Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3.         Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.

             You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, reopen the windows   before you could continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.         Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.         Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6.         The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7.         The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8.         Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9.         Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because! None of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.       You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Greg

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Greg

Greg

Posted
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The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.

At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

Greg

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Greg

Greg

Posted
Posted

Heaven can wait

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?”

God answered: “A million years is like a minute.”

Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”

And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.”

Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”

And God said, "In a minute.”

Greg

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