Jokes

[Jamie]

>2 Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section

>and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

>The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

>

>"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"

>says Gerry.

>

>The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the

>birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of

>the Connor Pass.

>

>At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and

>says,"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag,

>puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

>

>Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself

>stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, shakes his

>head and says, "[removed word] dat. Dis budgie jumping is too [removed word]'n dangerous

for me!"

>

>THERE'S MORE

>

>Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the Pet

>shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper

>bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,"

>Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the

>edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun

>and shoots the parrot.

>Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and

>breaks every bone in his body.

>

>Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying parrotshooting

>either!"<

>

>IT IS NOT OVER YET<

>

>Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og

>appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag Out

>of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff

>and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

>

>Once more Paddy shakes his head. "[removed word] dat, lads.

>First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus

>parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his [removed word]'n hengliding!

[OXO]

:clouds1: I like it Jamie!

James

[Greg]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very

faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had

nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did

not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she needed to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his

normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he

phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to

stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with

no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came

back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us

at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

Greg

[Greg]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help

me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it

started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has

the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns

to her and says," First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going

to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax".

"Let's have a nice cup of tea", and then .....he sighed,

"let's put all these Frosties back in the box".

Greg

[Greg]

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.

Greg

[The Warthog]

OK, here's one:

What do you do when a blonde (or other racial, religious, ethnic or hair colour group, to your taste) throws a pin at you?

(page down)

RUN!! She's holding a live grenade in her hand!