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Heres one for you i find extremely funny..

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

James :):):o:):)

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"Husbands Gift"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

:)

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A few more MIL's for the pot.................

Q: What do you do if you miss your MIL??

A: RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

...............................................................

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

................................................................

Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?

A: Take your foot off her head.

................................................................

Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?

A: Shoot her again.

................................................................

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?" The man replies, "My MIL is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

..................................................................

I bought my MIL a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.

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Q: What's the difference between a dead mother-in-law lying in the middle of the road, and a dead snake lying in the middle of the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the snake!

.....................................................................

Last night the local peeping Tom knocked on my MIL's door, and asked her to shut her blinds.

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:):):)

Q: What's the difference between a dead mother-in-law lying in the middle of the road, and a dead snake lying in the middle of the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the snake!

i like this one best out of that bunch.
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Here's one:

A man is having erectile dysfunction, goes to his doctor. Doctor tries Viagra, Cialis and nothing works. The guy's desparate, so the doc says, "There's a new, experimental treatment I want to try. It involves implanting some muscle tissue from the trunk of a baby elephant. It'll help your ED and increase your size at the same time. But it's very experimental, if you catch my drift." The guy is really desparate, so he agrees.

The procedure goes smoothly and all is well. After the "cooling off period", the guy takes his wife to dinner, after which they plan to try out the new equipment. She keeps making suggestive remarks and nods and winks and such. She says "just the right thing", when all of a sudden, from under the table, his pecker flies up to the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears!

Well, they're both shocked. She says, "That was amazing! Could you do that again?"

He says, "Well, I suppose. But I don't think I could fit another roll up my Bottom."

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Two men talking in bar about ferrets. Joe says "I have a ferret that will perform oral sex on you". "No way", says Pete. Joe says "Buy me a drink and you can try it out!".

A large whisky is duly bought and Pete does indeed receive the aforementioned favour.

"I have GOT to have that ferret", says Pete and stumps up £500 for said pet.

He arrives home, slightly the worse for wear, plonks the ferret on the kitchen table and grins at the wife. "What am I supposed to do with that", says she.

"Teach it to cook and **** off!!!"

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Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a poly bag?

One is plastic and dangerous to children.

The other carries yer shopping.

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Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

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Why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can.

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What do ye call a dog with steel balls and short back legs?

SPARKY.

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What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

..................................................................................

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?

When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil

...................................................................................

What's the difference between a Walrus and a blonde?

One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.

...................................................................................

How many blondes does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?

Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the M&M's.

...................................................................................

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

...................................................................................

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Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

:):):)

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Welcome to Humor Vault's Doctor Jokes

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

:):)

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Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

:)

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