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And the answer to the question on all of our minds is.....

Tim

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Tim

Tim

Posted
Posted

..... to be found somewhere within this ramble.

First a bit of background info, or light pollution, if you will. Since my new telescope hasn't yet arrived, I was sat there last night, desperately trying to think of something to do to fill the void between opportunities for procreation, when LO! (and Behold!) La Lune popped her cheeky little nose around the patchy cloud cover. So I popped out with No.1 son to see if she was alone, but no! She brought friends. That old martian warhorse eyed us suspiciously from her rear, Orion readied his bow, and unseen but lurking just below the horizon, I knew that Saturn was gathering moons the way the Russians stockpile ICBM's.

The stage was set perfectly. The 500 (well, 10x50) eyes of the forward spotters had revealed several chinks in La Lunes armour, and No.1 son and I were ready to exploit them to the full.

Like the calm before the storm in a tea-cup, we stood there silently eyeing each other, as we had rehearsed a hundred times before, only this time it was for real, this time we were going to steal (a view) of Saturn herself, and there was nothing La Lune could do to stop us. Donning protective clothing, slippers with a waterproof sole, we made the dash to the armoury. Years of neglect had played havoc in there, and debris littered the area. Desperately now we scrambled through that toybox, sorry, armoury, searching for our weapon of choice, when suddenly, like Venus rising naked from the roman baths, it appeared. Carefully we brushed away the debris. In all its full glory, we were now armed with the most potent weapon at our disposal, an AF30MMPT. (Argos' Finest 30mm Plastic Telescope). Suddenly the heavens were our oyster, Saturn would be ours in minutes, forever under our spell, no longer roaming freely as she pleases, but subject to continual scrutiny, like a governmental office junior with two CDs in his jacket pocket. Actually, going back to oysters, the interesting thing is, when you ask people, "What do they taste like?", because round these parts it is considered rude to say "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MUNCHING ON SOMETHING WHICH JUST SLIMED OUT OF THE OCEAN AFTER FILTERING 240 TONNES OF MERCURY FROM THE WATER????", when you ask them they say,

"Oh, you just swallow them down, you dont really taste them."

Well here is my money saving tip of the day. Next time you get a streaming head-cold, simply store up the excess phlegm on your upper palate, and when you have enough, swallow it back. You will have all the sensation, apparently, of guzzling ££££'s worth of sea-slime, without laying out a penny. One aspect I haven't tested is the aphrodisiac effect, perhaps if some of you get colds at the same time as your partners you could empirically test that side of things, the effect seems quite lost if you indulge alone.

Where were we? Oh yeah, just found the weapon. Of course, to accurately aim this beast of a machine, we would need eyepieces. A few more frantic trenches dug in the hillock of toys revealed a 20X, 30X and 40X. Fully armed, we embarked on our quest. On venturing outside, we were grateful that the bribe paid to the cloud gods was still working, just enough patchy bits to conceal our intent from the target. It was about this time that the first problem became apparent. There was no way we could get the full firepower from our BFG2000 of the telescope world without something to rest it on, but the original tripod, (actually I think it had 4 legs, lets call it a quadpod), the original quadpod had long since disappeared, or been reassigned as action mans light saber and so on. But No.1 son and I are determined. Grabbing the nearest utensil at hand, which thankfully was a camera tripod and not a blender, we performed remedial sugery with two zip ties and mounted the beast onto the tripod. (I have seen this one eye-ing up other tripods of the same type, as well as more attractive ones, I think its a bi-tri-pod.)

It was time. Pulling back the camoflague on our bunker, we revelled in the nebula-like swirl of steam rising from its innards. Dimming the lights to red, and jacking up the pumps to warp speed 4 (I cannae give her any more cap'n), the weapon was mounted at the side. Once again we drank in the glorious sight. This scope has plastic lenses for quick thermal equilibriation, it has plastic knobs, it has a focusing wheel that just runs out the whole way if you tilt the scope. It is just awesome. We check our ammo. "I think we will shoot with the 20X" says I in a rare moment of clarity, "After all we dont want to kiss on the first date, do we?". Beside, we hadn't checked to see if Saturn wears lipstick that we would be allergic to. Really hard to concentrate down an eyepiece when your lungs are going all anaphalactic on you. We pack the 40X away, softly whispering, "Your day will come Sonny, your day WILL come." At least, I was whispering that, No.1 Son was turning it into a hat for spiderman.

It is hard to understand what happened next. There we were, stripped of the encumberence of fabric, submersed in the regeneration tank, telescope ready to fire, when BAM!

Nothing. Just inky blackness. Or more accurately inky yellowish pink. Nothing else. It was here that we appreciated the difference between the naked eye and a high power precision piece of plastic like we had. While the eye revealed such low mag blobs as La Lune, Monsieur Mars, Ford Orion and so on, the telescope, looking deeper and closer revealed there was actually NOTHING there. Thinking our minds must be playing tricks we emptied the last of the whisky for luck and checked again. AHA! There was a glimmer of light. After a bit of precision yanking around, knocking over the bi-tri-pod and general confusion (its the fog of war, although the red mist was purely the result of the spa) that glimmer of light turned into something special. Yes, there she was. Draped in clouds, her illicit beauty poking through like the twin towers of a swimsuit model in the arctic ocean, La Lune! No sign of saturn. Think she packed up her things and headed off. Damned cheap broad. And here was I gonna propose marriage. I threw the engagement ring into the sky. "Add it to your collection, BITCH!" I said in a Sean Connery crossed with a dodgy american private detective kind of accent. If I had of been a smoker, I would have stubbed out my fag determinedly with my foot. As it was, I just stubbed my toe.

It was about then that it struck me. (Not lightning, shocking as it would have been.) The image of La Lune was upside down! I had forgotten my basic battle training!Now confused and upset by Saturns rejection, I made a decision I now regret, to view la lune the correct way up. Following is another piece of free advice.

NEVER EVER EVER TRY TO DO A HEADSTAND IN A HOT TUB, it will only end in tears. Besides, the view from under the water is terrible.

The end result of all this comprehensive experiment as to the suitability of using a heated outdoor spa as a thermal regulation and comfortable astronomical viewing platform, (If you only came here for the answer to this question, please don't read the foregoing) is this.

In the opinion of the author and his renowned assistant, a hot tub does NOT make for a good viewing base for your telescope. Although there are issues with rising steam and splashing water, the main problem encountered was evident form the start. Your shoulders get cold if you have them out of the water for too long.

Out of interest, do any other members find that their wives seem jealous of the love affairs we have with the planets? You should have seen the look I got when I mentioned to my missus that "I want a nice clear picture of Uranus, its been looking a bit dull lately, although much bigger than it was."

Anyone for coffee?

TJ

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captain vallo

captain vallo

Posted
Posted

Blimey, that’s one hell of post, even my glass eye began to fall asleep (incidentally, it was using this eye for observations that resulted in the failure to see anything as the irritable shop owner pointed out and not the quality of his telescope).

However TJ, I did manage to take in most of your adventure and whilst it’s good to see other astronewbies going through the same problems I feel I must comment on your preparation .. or lack of.

You are obviously taking this astrology oops I mean astronomy very seriously but believe that your preparation may be hindered by your repressed sexual frustrations and fanatical war mongering … I understand that there are organisations out there that can help, usually by actually fulfilling both of these conditions …. It’s called religion. You find they tend to offer different levels and degrees of solutions, so you may wish to shop around to see which addresses your requirements the best.

Lastly but not leastly, please try and find out your sons names and use them occasionally, I know what its like for I have 2 of my own and its just as easy to be ignored by them when you call them by generic terms as it is by their proper names. (Forgive me if their names are No 1 Son and No 2 Son).

As we have been talking about religion and sons, I have since found out recently that I have offended a rather radical and fanatical religion that is based in our local woods. It seems that this extreme religious cult (aren’t they all?) were having a picnic when one of them who had stayed with us for many years and in fact had befriended my son to the point when they could not be separated (even going to bed together) told his new found friends that I had named my sons after their God and Prophet. With my fear of flying insects and following a series of threats of bees heading our way (I think this is what they said), I have agreed to change my sons names from Rupert and Paddington to Joe and Ben.

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barkis

barkis

Posted
Posted

If TJ keeps that up, coming on here will be tantamount to reading War and Peace, especially if you haven't been on for a while, and have catching up to do. Does tell a goodly tale though, I have to confess. I am having my hot water tank reserve cistern replaced soon, I wonder if I could dress it up a bit and us it as a Hot Tub. :( I think SWMBO would veto that. No sense of adventure you see.

Ron. :D

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