Creative writing on a telescope

[Galactic Wanderer]

Hello everyone,

I thought you guys might be interested in a descriptive writing homework I made a few days ago. The task was to chose an object and write about it evocatively. I chose a telescope because of obvious reasons  (I love astronomy!) and because of the imagery and detail you go in with it.

I made two versions to see which one I preferred and after some deliberation I chose the first one to hand in. Do give comments and feed back,

First one;

It is a dark, clear night. My trusty telescope stands on the balcony, awaiting my guidance. What is in store for us tonight? I steer the tube towards Saturn and peer through the eyepiece. The rings make a neat, pristine oval around the dark orange planet.

We fly towards the  bright moon. It is littered with enticing craters and coarse mountains. Travelling across the surface of the moon, we encounter some inhabitants. We wave to them and carry on with our fascinating journey.

Our next destination is a galaxy many light years away.  We soar through the enchanting nebulas and exquisite star clusters.

On our way back we stop at an unknown planet. Circling it, we look at the majestic detail of the unordely rock. Pleasure comes

We arrive back at Earth. I smile and start to unscrew the stabiliser. What wonders a telescope can create. What wonders.

Second one:

 

                   

It is a dark, clear night. My trusty telescope stands on the balcony, awaiting my guidance. What is in store for us tonight? I steer the tube towards Saturn and peer through the eyepiece. The rings make a neat, pristine oval around the dark orange planet.

We fly towards the  bright moon. It is littered with enticing craters and coarse mountains. Travelling across the surface of the moon, we encounter some inhabitants. We wave to them and carry on with our fascinating journey.

Our next destination is a galaxy many light years away.  We soar through the enchanting nebulas and exquisite star clusters.

On our way back we stop at an unknown planet. Circling it, we look at the majestic detail of the unordely rock. Pleasure comes when we spot a few inhabititants on the planet. I smile.

We arrive back at Earth. I smile and start to unscrew the mount. What wonders a telescope can create. What wonders.

[DRT]

Firstly, you have a double space between "the" and "bright" in the first sentence of the second paragraph

I prefer the first version as it seems to contain more imagination. I am intrigued by what you mean by "inhabitants" and "an unknown planet". As an astronomer both of these seem impossible, but to a non-astronomer they might convey a sense of adventure that adds some mystery to the story.

Good luck with the assignment

[oobydooby]

It might be me, but both versions look identical save for one detail, where you write an unfinished sentence, that being "Pleasure comes" without a closing period.

However this is certainly a creative and evocative composition, containing a description of seeing other worldly inhabitants through a telescope. I rather like that idea.

[DRT]

16 minutes ago, oobydooby said:

It might be me, but both versions look identical save for one detail, where you write an unfinished sentence, that being "Pleasure comes" without a closing period.

Interesting. When I read these I would have sworn that the line about inhabitants was in the first version and that there were more differences between the two. Perhaps this is an experiment in observation

 

[barkis]

Is this a School project ?  It's just you didn't say why you are producing this descriptive.
As the others have stated, they are both very similar, but I couldn't choose between them. 
Are you restricted to the number of words in the piece, or are you proposing to add more ?
Of course there is enough in there to grab the attention of non Amateur Astronomers, and may 
just inspire someone to take the plunge, and write a Xmas request to Mum Dad, or Girlfriend/Boyfriend .
I'm curious as to whether whatever you waved at, waved back .  
I'm just kidding, It's a great Idea, and I hope the readers enjoy whichever one you submit.

.