Jokes

[Greg]

I take a little time off away from the forum and the humour department goes on strike!!

As you all know the only area of the forum where I can intelligently contribute is here so here goes!!!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on their front

door. A man struggles to get out of bed. He goes to the door, opens it and

finds an obviously drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain. Almost

snarling because of the inconvenience, the guy says to the drunk:

'Yeah what d'ya want?'

'Would you give me a push', the drunk slurs.

'Are u crazy, not a chance', the husband answers, 'it's 3 o clock in the

morning and its pouring rain'

With that he slams the door and goes back up to bed.

'Who was it', asks the wife, not helping the situation in the least.

'Some drunk asking for a push', he mumbles.

'Did u help him', his wife asks.

Now teetering on the edge of exploding, the guys shouts, 'NO!! I didn't, it

is 3am and it's raining like crazy out there'.

'Well, you have a very short memory then!!. Don't you remember when we were

on our way home from the party and we were in the same situation and those 2

guys helped us??! I think you should go back down and help this poor man'

Now wide awake and knowing he'll be unable to go back to sleep, he gets up,

mumbling to himself, throws on some clothes and goes to the front porch:

'Hey are u still out there', he yells.

'Yeah', comes the answer.

'Do u still want a push', asks the husband.

'Yes please', comes the reply from the dark.

Unable to see anything or anyone in the pitch dark the husband asks, 'Where

are u?'

Wait for it!!!

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'Over here', the drunk replies, 'on the swing!!

Greg

[Greg]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,

but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to

stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time

I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway

and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball

toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves

to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball

toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the

hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the

ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round

sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play

for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you

like to play?"

Stevie says, "Any night you like."

Greg

[Greg]

Ring, ring .

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

...... Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

*

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Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ...

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Is this 486-5731??"

Greg

[Greg]

New exercise routine~

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.

It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN... ...............................

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NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer.

Greg

[OXO]

:clouds2:

[Sonia]

Can i add a joke?

[spudicus]

I answered a knock at the door last night and a six-foot cockroach poked me in the eye and then kicked me in the shin.

I phoned the Police and was told there's a nasty bug going around at the moment.

[spudicus]

A rocket explorer named Wright

Once traveled much faster than light.

     He set out one day

     In a relative way,

And returned on the previous night.

[spudicus]

Q: What do you get when a telescope runs into a microscope?

A: A kaleidoscope

[Jamie]

Q: What do you get when a telescope runs into a microscope?

A: A kaleidoscope

I see someone has been saving the jokes out of christmas crackers. (shame on you)

[spudicus]

Two atoms run into each other. One atom says, "I think I lost an electron."

The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"

The first atom replies, "I'm positive."

[Sonia]

REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.

Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.

We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam.

Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there.

The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent.

We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.

The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.

REAL QUESTIONS ASKED IN SCIENCE CLASSES

Are the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain?

Is that the ocean? (Asked while on a field trip to Marine Lab Beach on Guam (a small island in the Pacific).

How can the river be flowing north? That's uphill!

How can mass wasting be an agent of landscape formation on the Moon? The Moon has no gravity!

How do I get water into this beaker?

ON A CHEMISTRY TEST at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill -- and got full credit.

-- Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Joe Astorino ? 1996 The Reader's Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved

IT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.

October 9, 1995

A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.

Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.

The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion

REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST

- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!

- Clark Kent style safety glasses

. - Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.

- The "opportunity" to deal with irate clients asking "where are my results?"

- Because it's pHun

- Access to 100% pure ethanol

- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies

- You never have to worry about what you're doing on Friday night (You're working in the lab)

- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.

- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.

- ditto for cancer

- You are adept at poverty cooking

- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

The last words of a chemist:

1. And now the tasting test.

2. May that become hot?

3. And now a little bit from this...

4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!

5. And now shake it a bit.

6. Why is there no label on this bottle?

7. In which glass was my mineral water?

8. The bunsen burner *is* out!

9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?

10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...

11. Oh, now I have spilt something...

12. First the acid, then the water...

13. And now the detonating gas problem.

14. This is a completely save experimental setup.

15. Where did I put my gloves?

16. O no, wrong beaker...

17. The fire alarm is just being tested.

18. Now you can take the protection window away...

19. And now keep it constant at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...

20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?

21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!

22. Something is wrong here...

23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?

24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.

25. And now a cigarette...

Blondes to the moon

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to the Moon. The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to Mars". The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people to go to the Sun". One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll burn up?" The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"

[The Warthog]

Phrase origins:

Piece of Cake - Squadron Leader Cake was demonstrating the new bomb release mechanism on his Spitfire. As he got into the cockpit he said, "Now, this is very simple, and I'm only going to show you once..."