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Astronomy Humour

Marine Bio

By Marine Bio
in The Astro Lounge

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Marine Bio

Marine Bio

Posted
Posted

After a good few hours observing with excellent seeing I'm feeling pretty good and thought I'd share some of that good feeling with you.

1 - The density of Saturn is so low that the whole planet would float on the water in your bath? However, you wouldn't want to try this experiment at home as it would leave a massive ring around the tub.

2 - Q. How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?

A. Eclipse it.

3 - I was up all night wondering where the Sun had gone... then it dawned on me

4 - How does Jupiter hold up his trousers? With an asteroid belt.

5 - After his first meal on the Moon, the 22nd century astronaut said the food was good but the restaurant lacked atmosphere.

6 - A spiral galaxy walks into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry mate, you're barred".

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JamesM

JamesM

Posted
Posted

I'll get your coat for you!:):D:D

Thanks very much for those, they did me laugh although one or two were a little bit suspect.:) I have a feeling there are going to be more suggestions winging there way here now.

James

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dtr42

dtr42

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Posted

1/ have set up a pub on the moon but gave up after 2 days [there was no atmosphere in the place ]

there are pub's in mars though, everyone has heard of mars bars ]

I'll get my coat :)

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661-pete

661-pete

Posted
Posted

Gawd these are awful! Coats all round and taxis called! :)

I was thinking of making just about any remark about the planet that orbits between Saturn and Neptune, but on second thoughts....

OK. Many years ago an astronomer was visiting a remote island to observe a total eclipse. Unfortunately, the day before the big event, he is captured by cannibals, who assure him that he will be cooked and eaten.

He manages to exchange a few words with the village headman who speaks a little English. He asks him exactly when they mean to cook him.

"Tomorrow, when the Sun is high in the sky," replies the headman.

"Aha," thinks the astronomer. "Maybe I have a chance. If I can convince them that I am a mighty god who will make the Sun disappear...."

But the headman is continuing: "....but in your case, because everyone's so excited about the eclipse, we've decided to wait until the day after tomorrow."

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MartianSunset

MartianSunset

Posted
Posted

Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see?

Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars.

Holmes said: and what do you deduce from that?

Watson replied: Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.

And Holmes said: Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent!!

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Cubemaster

Cubemaster

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Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

1). Ten! One to change the bulb, and nine to argue how their own bulb gives better colour.

2). None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.

3). See the FAQs

"What sort of light bulb should I buy?"

"Should I start with a candle?"

"Where should I buy my light bulb?"

"Where NOT to buy a light bulb."

"What type of light bulb to avoid?"

"What will I be able to see with my bulb?"

"How do I deal with telescope-pollution?"

"Can I buy a bulb for a friend?"

"Can I use my bulb in the daytime?"

4) Two: one to change the bulb, the other to complain about the light pollution.

5) Only one, but you have to go to Hawaii to get the really good bulbs.

6) Eight:

1 observational astronomer to measure luminosity and redshift of bulb

1 theoretical astronomer to calculate spherical co-ordinates of bulb

1 departmental head to write to PPARC, for project funds

1 astronomical engineer to design and build the bulb replacing satellite

1 starling SIG programmer to write satellite control and data reduction software

1 NASA mission control expert to arrange satellite launch and say "t-2 go for main engine start........" etc

1 remote observer to manipulate the satellites arm once in elliptical orbit around light bulb

1 Grad student to act as scapegoat in event of mission failure

7) Four:

A research student to sit around and not learn anything.

His/her supervisor to explain how much harder it was to change light bulbs when he/she was a research student.

An amateur astronomer to make sure it's a low pressure sodium light bulb with proper shading to reduce light pollution (right kids!).

Some technical johnny to actually change the light bulb and generally keep the place running while the astronomers contemplate their NGCs.

8) 10^8, because astronomers love really big numbers!

9) None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.

10) Four:

One to actually change the darn thing.

One to operate the CCD camera to measure the number of photons it emits whilst his friend operates the computer to do the task

And another to complain about how the CCD is out of focus and how the light bulb actually looks like a polo mint.

11) Infinite

1 says I'm new to this: what bulb should I get?

1 says it won't be a proper bulb unless you make it yourself

1 complains about the price

1 says get it from the US

1 says get it from supersaver BC&F

1 says try 2nd hand and puts the old bulb onto UKAstroAds

1 tries to collimate the overmantle mirror

1 says the infocus rings are oval

1 says collimation is impossible

1 goes off in a huff and buys a refractor

1 says he's barmy and should buy an SCT

1 discovers the bulb has already been sold on ebay

1 says there is no lamp - it's all a NASA hoax

1 says I can't see the lamp because of the bloddy Moon

1 blocks any change in case the light helps top posters

1 arrives too late because his watch is set to relative time

1 finds gravity interaction of lamp and bulb scrambles his brain

1 is electrocuted trying to fit a candle

1 actually changes the bulb

1 immediately shoots it with his airgun/laser

12) 73. 1 to change the bulb, and 72 to argue that it should weigh about 3 times as much, now that it's cold dark matter. :)

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Naemeth

Naemeth

Posted
Posted
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

1). Ten! One to change the bulb, and nine to argue how their own bulb gives better colour.

2). None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.

3). See the FAQs

"What sort of light bulb should I buy?"

"Should I start with a candle?"

"Where should I buy my light bulb?"

"Where NOT to buy a light bulb."

"What type of light bulb to avoid?"

"What will I be able to see with my bulb?"

"How do I deal with telescope-pollution?"

"Can I buy a bulb for a friend?"

"Can I use my bulb in the daytime?"

4) Two: one to change the bulb, the other to complain about the light pollution.

5) Only one, but you have to go to Hawaii to get the really good bulbs.

6) Eight:

1 observational astronomer to measure luminosity and redshift of bulb

1 theoretical astronomer to calculate spherical co-ordinates of bulb

1 departmental head to write to PPARC, for project funds

1 astronomical engineer to design and build the bulb replacing satellite

1 starling SIG programmer to write satellite control and data reduction software

1 NASA mission control expert to arrange satellite launch and say "t-2 go for main engine start........" etc

1 remote observer to manipulate the satellites arm once in elliptical orbit around light bulb

1 Grad student to act as scapegoat in event of mission failure

7) Four:

A research student to sit around and not learn anything.

His/her supervisor to explain how much harder it was to change light bulbs when he/she was a research student.

An amateur astronomer to make sure it's a low pressure sodium light bulb with proper shading to reduce light pollution (right kids!).

Some technical johnny to actually change the light bulb and generally keep the place running while the astronomers contemplate their NGCs.

8) 10^8, because astronomers love really big numbers!

9) None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.

10) Four:

One to actually change the darn thing.

One to operate the CCD camera to measure the number of photons it emits whilst his friend operates the computer to do the task

And another to complain about how the CCD is out of focus and how the light bulb actually looks like a polo mint.

11) Infinite

1 says I'm new to this: what bulb should I get?

1 says it won't be a proper bulb unless you make it yourself

1 complains about the price

1 says get it from the US

1 says get it from supersaver BC&F

1 says try 2nd hand and puts the old bulb onto UKAstroAds

1 tries to collimate the overmantle mirror

1 says the infocus rings are oval

1 says collimation is impossible

1 goes off in a huff and buys a refractor

1 says he's barmy and should buy an SCT

1 discovers the bulb has already been sold on ebay

1 says there is no lamp - it's all a NASA hoax

1 says I can't see the lamp because of the bloddy Moon

1 blocks any change in case the light helps top posters

1 arrives too late because his watch is set to relative time

1 finds gravity interaction of lamp and bulb scrambles his brain

1 is electrocuted trying to fit a candle

1 actually changes the bulb

1 immediately shoots it with his airgun/laser

12) 73. 1 to change the bulb, and 72 to argue that it should weigh about 3 times as much, now that it's cold dark matter. :)

:):D:D.

That's brilliant, 1) especially :).

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