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Everything posted by Greg

  1. 3 Springers - Jasper, Toby and Oscar 1 Cat - Jasmine, used to have 5! 14 Chickens - For egg production. Greg
  2. Greg


    A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady. "Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman. Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui........" then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th......................" "Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet. "Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy. And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th...........". "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet? "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you make love to me!" Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman. "Where do you live then boyo?" "C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr.... ." "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh. "E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb." "No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman. "London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh no!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes forglory, and then, right at the end he suddenly screams out........... ".......D D D D D D D Derry!!" Greg
  3. Greg


    Back From Work!! A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said "Quick, another beer before it starts." That's it! She blows her top! "You [removed word]! You waltz in here, flop your fat Bottom down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed "It's started!" Greg
  4. Greg


    One More Then Off To Work You know you're living in 2005 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
  5. Greg


    Christmas Cake Recipie 1 cup water 1 cup of brown sugar 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt Lemon Juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle of Vodka 1 can of Red Bull 2 cups dried fruit Method: 1. Sample the vodka to check the quality. 2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. 3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink. 4. Repeat. 5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. 7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok. 8. Flavour with red bull to taste. 9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer. 10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 11. Pick fruit off floor 12. Mix on the turner. 13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. 14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull. 15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi** 16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder 17. Pick up the can, mop the floor 18. Check the vodka 19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. 20. Add one table. 21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. 22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.. 23. Don't forget to beat off the turner 24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog. 25. Fall into bed. CHERRY MISTMAS Phats!!!
  6. Greg


    As opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e- mail to nine of your mates who are just as virile as you. INSTRUCTIONS. Anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and Send it to the person who is top of your list. Soon your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post, statistically, among those women will be at least. 0.5 Miss worlds. 2.5 Models. 463 Wild n*mphos. 3,234 Good-looking n*mphos. 20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms. In total, that is 24,096 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off, and the best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER. One guy for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original woman back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusative expression on her face, On the same day, the international model he'd been living with since he sent off his old woman moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain parcel). While i am sending this letter, the guy that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion, outside his ward are 452 more packages, YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL. This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying s*x life, no expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities that only interest women just so you can sc**w her, no obligations, no grumpy old mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like engagement or marriage, Do not hesitate, send this letter to 9 of your friends today
  7. Greg


    This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report. Dear Sir; I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. Greg
  8. Greg


    My wife would burn a cup of tea!! Needless to say I do all the cooking in this household. Chicken Barrington - One of my favourites!! Breast of chicken stuffed with pate wrapped in bacon - served with a white wine and mushroom sauce, saute potatoes and a selection of seasonal vegetables. Or One-pan garlic and thyme chicken with 'sticky' vegetables Preparation time less than 30 mins Cooking time 30 mins to 1 hour Ingredients 1 free-range or organic chicken, jointed sea salt and freshly ground black pepper 2 tbsp light olive oil 2 carrots, halved 4 small-to-medium sized potatoes, peeled and cut into 1.5cm(½in) cubes 1 small celeriac, peeled and cut into 1.5cm(½in) cubes 12 baby onions, peeled 3 cloves of garlic, left whole and gently bruised 1 sprig fresh thyme 150ml/5fl oz chicken stock 2 tbsp runny honey 120g/4oz unsalted butter 2 tbsp fresh flatleaf parsley, chopped, to garnish Method 1. Season the chicken pieces with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper. 2. Heat the olive oil in a large deep frying pan and fry the chicken pieces for about 6-8 minutes, turning regularly, until browned all over. Remove from the pan and set aside. 3. Add all the vegetables to the pan used for cooking the chicken and cook for a few minutes until they start to soften. Add the bruised garlic cloves and thyme and return the chicken to the pan with the vegetables. 4. Season with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper and carefully pour around enough stock to come about 0.5cm(0.2in) up the sides of the pan. 5. Drizzle over the honey, add the butter and cover with damp greaseproof paper. Cook for about half an hour on a relatively high heat. (Important: you will need to keep checking every now and then to make sure that the stock doesn't evaporate too quickly. If necessary add a little more stock as you go along, however the idea is at the end of the 30 minutes when the chicken is cooked, the stock has almost completely evaporated and the vegetables are golden and sticky.) 6. To serve, divide the chicken and vegetables between four warmed plates together with any sticky juices. Scatter with the parsley. Mmmmmmmmmmm.............. Greg
  9. Greg

    Newbie Syay Hello

    Thanks for the warm welcome. :clouds1: The ETX is a nice portable scope - I even take it to work when i'm on nights!!! I'm just getting the hang of the 8" Skywatcher - Looking forward to the tips and advice from you lot. Greg
  10. Greg

    Newbie Syay Hello

    Hi, Been pointed towards this forum by a friend (Steve) Loooking forward to posting and getting advice from more experienced observers!!! Started in Astronomy last year with an ETX-70 and recently bought an 8" newtonian. I am lucky to live in a dark sky site. Cheers Greg
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